Sunday, 10 January 2010

Music Lyric Interpretation #2 - Beyonce 'If I Were A Boy'

Oh so last night the post was regular existentialist blabber. I'm Albert MacCamus. As to not make my blog a place where happiness comes to die, I have decided to do this feature early, with Beyonce's 'If I Were A Boy'.

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

So Beyonce wants to be a feminist icon. She is a regular Kathleen Hanna and she likes to listen to Riot Grrrl bands and she is into all that Third Wave stuff (she does none of these things). Oh wait, isn't she dating a guy who raps stuff like 'you know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em 'cause I don't fuckin' need 'em'. EMPOWERMENT! Also, if she really was a guy, she would know that we can not simply roll out of bed in the morning, we need to wait five minutes for our erections to subside. I never throw on what I want, because my mother/girlfriend/sister/nun friend/midwife friend dress me. Being a guy is tough, Beyonce.

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

So, if Beyonce was a boy she would sleep around with lots of girls, because you know, all guys do that. All guys also like sports, and enjoy the music of Nickleback, and tea-bag their friend Cheech as he sleeps because he has had too much Jagermeister. Beyonce thinks all men are incapable of love. Has she never seen Sleepless in Seattle?! HE IS MOURNING HIS DEAD WIFE WHILE LOOKING AFTER HIS SON! Honestly Beyonce, don't let Seany boy and his Big Pimpin' lifestyle polute your views of men. Tom Hanks=men.

I'd listen to her

'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

Jeez, they are called Agony Aunts for a reason, not Agony Un
cles. Perhaps he is taking you for granted because you should of put a ring on that. Oh uh oh.

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

Ok, if Beyonce was a boy, I reckon she would not be a superstar, and her name would be Robert. Robert Knowles. Little Bobby;

He would love the musical stylings of Abba and when people don't know something, he would be all like 'Bobby Know-les', then he would be the only one who laughs. He would work in Gap but buy jeans from the girls' section. Bugga boo.

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

OH SNAP. Wait, is she a boy or a girl here? Because it is cloudy, Beyonce. The narrative of your song makes me puzzled and I don't like that. Also, I find it a bit puzzling that throughout the song you always use the word 'boy'. Isn't a boy a child? Because you would be a young boy, and be simultaneously fucking all these women? That is some Macauly Culkin shit right there.

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

Oh wait, you have accepted you are a girl now. He is simply 'just' a boy. Next time I am awful a sex, I'm simply going to shrug and go 'I'm just a boy.' Jay-Z has 99 problems and his 'bitch' isn't one. Wow. I thought you feminists had taken back control of that word? Perhaps the Jiggaman (a rap superhero?) didn't get that memo. But it is fine Bobby, you just roll out of bed and put on that stained jump-suit you think is fine to wear. You're just a boy.

To make matters worse. The video looks like this. Intimacy, honesty, commitment, pokemon, pogs, yo-yos;

Holy Titus Androgynous, batman!

I prefer her sister. Covering Dirty Projectors does not make her legit though, she is still 2legit2quit, however.


  1. For some reason I have to give her props for using the subjunctive tense in the title instead of the more frequently used "If I Was." Not that she even wrote this song. Did she? That would explain her crazy cakes idea of what having a Y-chromosome is all about.

  2. I bet she regrets putting everything he owns in a box to the left, when everything she had was destroyed. Personal possessions are apparently taking part in a fucking free-for-all of transient state in the Knowles-Z household recently.

  3. Kiri, don't give Beyonce too much grammatical credit, lest you forget her unforgivable grievances in the song Bills Bills Bills:

    Can you pay my bills?
    Can you pay my telephone bills?
    Can you pay my AUTOMOBILES?
    Then maybe we can chill.
    I don't think you DO.
    So you and me are through.

    UUUgggggh, Beyonce!

    Great deconstruction, Ian. I've always felt Beyonce needed to be taken down a few pegs. Whereas Solange should be exalted.

  4. Solange or Bust! She hangs around Grizzly Bear and convinces Jay Z and Bey to attend shows. So at least she's trying to help edge them out a bit? I don't know what I'm talking about.

  5. Supes funny. I'm looking forward to more Lyric Interpretations. How about KeSha?