Thursday, 25 March 2010

[RANTS] My brother is not a fan of Lady Gaga.

One of the main reasons I love music as much I do is because I used to steal my older brother Stuart's CDs and Mini-discs (remember them?) and listen to them on his amazing sound system when I was 11. He likes Grandaddy, Eels, R.E.M and is the sole reason I love The Band as much as I do. He sent me this electronic letter (or 'e-mail' in technical terms) about ten minutes ago, it made me laugh so much. The gospel according to Dr Stu;

All human endeavour is pointless..

I mean really.

What the fuck? 1 billion views. This is the pinnacle of popular culture, apparently. All those billions of years of coincidences and explosions, atoms splitting and re-combining, galaxies forming and dying and spinning endlessly across the unknowable void, all the DNA mutations and binary fission, the first life forming and evolving and crawling from the primordial void. The Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans, the Aztec and Olmec and the ancient Chinese. The Dark Ages, the Renaissance, Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, Strauss. Penicillin, television, nuclear fission, moon mission.

All so the kids can get down and enjoy Lady fucking GaGa. A being so devoid of talent and charisma and even well-groomed eyebrows that she makes Jordan look like a valued member of society. A "performer" who has been quoted as saying she writes songs with a view to what crrrraaaazy outfit she'll wear whilst singing it. This is apparently the new Thriller. I have to say I was more sexually aroused by Zombie Jacko than I was by this harridan and her "masterpiece". Is the bar so low? What have we done? I'm beginning to think David Icke has a point, only a race of all-powerful sentient lizards could come up with this shit and get away with it. Who is inspired by this dross? Are we to have a whole generation of girls who fondly remember this shit? Global warming can't come soon enough.

At the other end of the scale, I was pottering about on That Internet when I heard this:

Listen to the last minute or so, that Clint Mansell (he of the Moon and Requiem for a Dream soundtracks that basically form the musical bed of every trailer and programme on Sky at the mo) is a good lad. He's made in one minute what U2 have been trying to do for 30 years, then he fades it out just when it's getting climactic. Me likey.

I shouldn't read the Guardian. It riles me up so.


  1. Keep your hands off my fucking MiniDiscs!

    Also I broke your chair a bit, I tried to fix it with nails but it's not what it used to be, just FYI.

  2. WHAT? The chair that was upholstered just over a year ago?

    I'm going to bring the pain. I'm going to key Ivan.

  3. It's only a little bit broken. More nails will solve this.

    You key Ivan and I will fuck you, Lebowski. We believe in nothing!

  4. Ugh. The Dude abides.

    I've been using those Bose headphones mum gave me. I like them. I heard you are not a fan. What's your beef?

  5. They're a funny shape and I prefer my Sennheisers, although I broke them a little bit too. If you hadn't lost yours at the beach you'd be loving them right now. More nails will not solve that one...

  6. I have ranted extensively about my hatred of Lady Gaga and all she represents so I will save it. But I agree with Stuart 1000%...he said what I was thinking way more eloquently than I would have.

  7. That was a nice wee trip. The best part was us electrocuting ourselves with Grandma's circulation machine.

    Clint Mansell just climaxed, I just climaxed.

    The interweb like cats so much, but you never meet people in real life who like cats? Is it cause crazy cat lovers who go on the world wide interwebosphere lots don't go outside much? Discuss...

  8. We don't have grammar in Scotland. It's okay. Stu had to go down to England and/or watch lots of Cash In The Attic to learn it. Then he tried to teach it to me, but I just preferred eating shortbeard and punching girls.

  9. 'Eating shortbeard' is the new best euphemism. Why am I typoing so much tonight? Might be all the beer.


    It's true, I did move down south to learn what English is good and that. I also thought moving to Bath might land me my dream job at Sega Power. I wanted to write the pithy captions in the reviews of Mega Drive games. There go all my dreams...

  11. I thought your dream was to record and preform your self penned hit 'Diamond Star'?

    'Oooooooh diamond star....diamond star'

  12. *perform

    Srsly wat iz wif ma typing 2day.


  13. I bloody did record it, on dad's old boom-box back in '86. That's right, I got my music career over and out of my system by the time I was 3, before you were even born. Organised.

    Anyway Funky Bus shits all over it so I was usurped.


    I am in paroxysms of familial in-joke ecstasy.

    Funky... Bus!

  15. Up funky, down funky, all around funky!

    "James Bond Jnr! 444!" I was such a weird child.

  16. People I was at primary school with still remember "James Bond Ian", 15 years on. You're like a cautionary tale of too much Calpol, made flesh.

  17. Too far. I'm sorry. I'll make you some Sloe Gin to make up for it.

  18. I think you'll find it was damson gin. Also my quarter-life crisis is pretty much over so I'm more relaxed about that sort of thing. You're due yours in about 2 years, hold tight.